What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
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It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies