What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
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I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.
My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.
Well, boo-fucking-hoo.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.