What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
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Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
The Sun’s probably Asian.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
I’m not proud
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks