What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
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Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.