Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Quitters never prosper.

12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?

I’m out of wisdom for today.

My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..

I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?

I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.

[8 AM]

Me: Time to wake up.

[13 HOURS LATER]

Me: Time to go to bed.

Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.

WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?

me measuring the ceiling: no idea.

Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf

Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”

As the Lord intended

[Sloth Job Interview]

Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?

*2 hours later*

Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.

I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.

One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.

genie: are you sure?

me: just do it

*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*

the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems

Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.

“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.

Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

3-year-old: Let’s play zombies

Me: OK

3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby

She tricked me into playing house

interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus

me: the big windshield wipers

Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight

I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?

My bank account: Yes

Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.

That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.

BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off

Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not