What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
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The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
I beg your pardon?
