“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
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Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut