“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
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There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
181.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.