What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
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*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
GPS randomly stopped working on my phone this morning. Have accepted that I live here now. In the woods. Two blocks from home.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
The future is now.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Today my 4 year old son said to me ‘Dad, can you put my shoes on?’
I replied, ‘No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.’
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Those are good neighbors.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.