What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday
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My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
What a chick magnet..
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]