What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday
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Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man
Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them
But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
doctor: do you drink alcohol?
me: yeah a couple times a week
doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?