What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
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Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.
Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.