What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?

Christopher Walken

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I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.


Me: BOOP! teehee!
Cop: ..
Me: sorry. did you want me to touch MY nose?


[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”


Me *enters new password*

Computer: ok

Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?

Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well

Me *crying* that’s not true


If you were a plant which one would you be? I’d be nuclear power


the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face


Kanye West says he’s the Michael Jordan of music. If he’s talking about the time when Michael Jordan was playing baseball, I totally agree.


You are my sunshine.

In the sense that long term exposure to you is slowly killing me.


Goddammit, the only meat we’ve had in months has spoiled

Goddammit, there’s a seed in this watermelon