@Mom_Overboard

What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?

Christopher Walken

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@aka_fatman

I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.

@AristotlesNZ

Me: BOOP! teehee!
Cop: ..
Me: sorry. did you want me to touch MY nose?

@murrman5

[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”

@ArfMeasures

Me *enters new password*

Computer: ok

Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?

Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well

Me *crying* that’s not true

@BoogTweets

If you were a plant which one would you be? I’d be nuclear power

@Big_Cat74

the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Kanye West says he’s the Michael Jordan of music. If he’s talking about the time when Michael Jordan was playing baseball, I totally agree.

@_steamy_mac

You are my sunshine.

In the sense that long term exposure to you is slowly killing me.

@thestlouisan

[1340]
Goddammit, the only meat we’ve had in months has spoiled

[2017]
Goddammit, there’s a seed in this watermelon