What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
You Might Also Like
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English