Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.

Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.

I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.

Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.

Him: I love nerd girls!

Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.

Him: no. not like that

My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.

who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function

Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.

When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.

the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to

ME: are those new shoes?

HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…

ME: *tearing up* yes?!?

HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how

I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.

placebo pills? more like sike meds

When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.

Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.

Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.

What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.

my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET

After hand washing your cat, put up to dry

I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down

damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously

Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy

Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone

Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.

-first day of algebra class

When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.

SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two

TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!

BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

me: would you still love me if i was crazy?

him: if????

I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.

a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe

My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.

Children are a blessing.