What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
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The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”