Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when you tell me to do something I was already about to do

Plumber: I think I found the problem

Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.

Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*

me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund

store manager: that’s a rocket launcher

Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’

Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right

Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.

*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.

Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?

-my kid who is about to get us burglarized

A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.

[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?

me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no

It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”

#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this

“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.

stop it stop it don’t cook him stop

POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.

ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY

Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise

Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?

Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what

At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.

I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.

…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.

Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?

Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.

My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.

At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave

Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.

🙀

Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)

Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?

Me: Of course. One sec

(Resets phone to factory settings)

Me: Here you go

Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.

Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.

My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.

People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something

Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.

UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?