What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
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I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.