Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

[millipede preschool]

head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…

This is so wrong 😂

[Home Depot]

Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?

Therapist: You’re not really improving

Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?

Therapist:

Me:

Therapist: well it’s worth a try

“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis

17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq

I support this random dude and all his protests

Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations

Your move Martha Stewart

I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.

I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.

I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.

[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”

I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”

Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.

how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on

She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.

[NASA job interview]

Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!

Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.

Interviewer: Get out.

ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!

JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.

ME: Again, with the judging.

I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”

By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.

ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.

NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?

ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.

*orders expensive cat bed*

*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*

*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*

*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*

Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’

I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.

[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]

Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?

My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”