What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
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Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
This fish is cracking me up
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.