[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
What do you hear?
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?