What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
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*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
this post was so formative to me
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
LOOOOOOL
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine