Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere

In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”

Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.

INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness

Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}

[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)

Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.

Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon

i’m sure it’s fine

I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.

doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’

me: why are we on the roof

him: you’re not like other girls

me, at the urinal next to him: how

Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?

My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.

I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”

My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.

*watching our 7yo’s softball game*

Me: Where’s our kid?

Him: The one dancing

Me: Ah, yes

watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.

Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.

Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it

Carl: So hot today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.

Me: Fair enough.

the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago

Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water

Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?

[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school

My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.

Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”

Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.

I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂

If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.