What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
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Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
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In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…