What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
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I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys