Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.

Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay

Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.

[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]

😂 amazing answer

He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.

Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.

What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?

Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300

Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”

My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.

being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck

me to God

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.

Me: They’re ibuprofen.

[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?

How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.

4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next

Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas

Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami

“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”

-Veterinarians

Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?

Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.

“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”

me: how can Americans be so arrogant?

also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*

Ok, I’ll bite

What’s an ab?