Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk

I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.

fireman: where is fire

me: in my heart, i love y-

fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt

[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.

I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.

MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad

COW: What’s that mean?

MAN: Uh-

COW: I’m fat?

MAN: … You’re a cow?

PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo

When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers

You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.

The good news: She actually gave me her number

The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away

ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”

Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues

When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”

– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…

“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”

If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.

*works out for 75 mins

*eats an entire batch of cookie dough

According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.

“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”

Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.

Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.

Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.

If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?

HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.

ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]

DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!

Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.

The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.

[dinner time]

me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?

kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make

Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!

Coming out of the dressing room at a store…

Me: What do think?

Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐

Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.