Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
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My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
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.
.
.
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers