Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call

Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”

Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park

Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming

[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]

Me: I got killed by a shark once

just leave it at the foot of the bed

Dear diary,

Day 1 (8 AM)

For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.

Day 1 (10 AM)

I’ve run out of food.

I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it

GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.

Me: That was fun! Fist me!

Him: What?!

Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*

Him: …..

the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”

I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.

This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?

They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…

I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.

Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.

Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys

Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!

ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day

FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?

ME: no, I just had the one

If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer

I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.

trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.

Schrödinger’s Dumpster

Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.

Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.

My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.

Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.

Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.

*sniffs glue

glue: I have a boyfriend