What has three thumbs and wishes his mom did not participate in that medical study
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If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
My really creepy/annoying neighbor asked me to borrow $20 for an emergency last week and now he’s been ducking me and it’s so awesome. Would have payed way more to get this guy to leave me alone
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud
*opened popsicles
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
happy halloween
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.