What have I done to deserve this oh yeah
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A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
That took me a moment.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.