Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.

Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?

Me: my student loans

Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?

This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.

Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason

Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.

Me: what’s the deal with airplane food

Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise

Mother: We named you after my father

Me: Yeah, I understand how time works

volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first

Pronouncing “driest” like priest

I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.

I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb

Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”

I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.

me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye

Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters

So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.

Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:

IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.

“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director

everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!

(my loneliness is paralyzing)

I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.

All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’

Me: *disappears for a few weeks*

Friends: *No concern*

Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*

Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?

[in the bedroom]

Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.

Me: Okay.

H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*

Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.

I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.

Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”

edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him

A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”