“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
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Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
I feel it
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
scared to check what name she chose
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
This is why I hate group projects
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”