Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This joke is 7 years old

Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.

*Smashes the Sony

*Destroys the Panasonic

*Pummels the Kenwood

*Rips apart the Pioneer

~breaking all stereotypes

Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.

Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like

Wife: those are our children

My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.

A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.

—How do you care for your mental health?

Me with my best frens:

[Christmas Party]

*opening my gifts*

Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago

*Opens twitter*

*Sees Polio is trending*

*Closes twitter*

“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.

Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.

I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.

Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.

But a little drama never hurts.

*Meanwhile at a restaurant*

Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?

Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.

*Picks table and walks out*

The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.

“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron

Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.

last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window

angel: you died

me: oh no

angel: but at least you lived a good life

me:

angel: helped others

me:

angel: did all u could

me:

angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I

me: I didn’t wanna interrupt

i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.

-kids

I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,

Smiling

You know what’s coming next..

It’s your turn to do the laundry

This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.

And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19

this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what

Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.

Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death

Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing

I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!

Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.

12yo: I can hear you.

Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.