What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
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I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.