Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go

Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?

Me: Bank robbery

Therapist: That’s not a crime

Me: I’m out of ideas

I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them

Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open

Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?

Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.

Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday

Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.

Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.

You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..

Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.

9: Where’s mom?

Me: Out the back

9: Australia?

M: Out THE back, not the Outback!

9: What’s she doing?

M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think

I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect

I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!

Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?

3-year-old: Babies are jerks.

23. the denim jacket

Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.

Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”

[3am]

me: *sleeping*

brain: omg you’re late for work!

me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*

brain: lmao you’re so gullible

I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.

I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.

Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!

First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n

Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?

Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!

Captain: *sniff* Yarrr

Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!

The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*

Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker

I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?

Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.

Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?

4-year-old: No.

Me: Then where’d it go?

4: She sneezed and it exploded.

Sounds legit.