What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
You Might Also Like
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Baller is short for ballerina
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.