Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?

wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?

My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.

her: my parents are gone 😉

liam neeson: ok when did u see them last

I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.

People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.

COP: Quick, stun him!

ME: *performs perfect somersault*

I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill

Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.

UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over

[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”

Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.

Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness

Me: lying on my resume probably

If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.

there will never be a funnier headline than this one

Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions

“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police

Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?

Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together

Therapist: No

Saying “let me show you how it’s done”

– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killer

Saying “this is how we do it”

– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck

Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat

“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats

[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice

just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams

Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.

Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.

Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.

I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever

my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place

[NYE]

ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*

OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair