What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
You Might Also Like
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
me opening up to someone
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
I drew y’all a little something.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult
