Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.

My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.

Welcome to the family, Alexa.

I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….

… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.

My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.

dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.

People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated

Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!

Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.

I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.

You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.

Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.

Me: So, they were closed?

Her:

purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again

If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.

If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.

[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]

Android user: See?

5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.

7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.

Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period

I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.

I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.

Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it

Space.

MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-

ME: *slams on brakes*

my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?

million dollar idea: worm dehorser

My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin

Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”

Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-

Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.

I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.

Never mind, someone else just got on.

“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”

– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself

WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny

[later]

THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay

Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.

Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th

Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.

Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire

Me: Almost never.

Her: Oh that’s a relief.

Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)