What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
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If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
lmao
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?