What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
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Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.