What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
You Might Also Like
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Weighing up my bread heating options
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”
Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.