What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
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The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.