What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
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This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
What?!?
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Not my job 😂
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.