What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
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This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
I did not eat the cake…
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.
“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL