What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
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6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus