What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
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lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Why is this me 😫
