What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
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Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there
Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”
Student: Would you use it in a sentence?
Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
“I wouldn’t.”
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*
Boss: that is NOT a costume..
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”
Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.