Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-

me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”

A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”

The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.

If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.

I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys

You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.

My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.

“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”

It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.

Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.

Her, 5: can I have another pickle?

Me: no more pickles

Her: can I stare at the pickles?

Me: sure

How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?

I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them

*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁

6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.

Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.

FRIEND: let’s hang out

ME: *takes out my accordion*

ENEMY: I changed my mind

Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys

ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys

My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere

A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?

There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?

ME: I taught myself how to play piano

INTERVIEWER: By ear?

ME: No, just with my hands

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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation

I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.

*calls bullshit

Bullshit: Who gave you my number.

I’ve worked several high-pressure corporate jobs, but I never put more effort into the way I look than when I’m working with kids. Like, the CEO of a company never asked me what happened to my hair or why I’m dressed like Beetlejuice.

I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids

An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.

I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”