Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures

*boyfriend calls girlfriend*

Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”

Gf: “we’re breaking up”

Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”

I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy

Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM

Reason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN

I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.

I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.

I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.

He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.

To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running

My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”

Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?

She’s fine she’s just an idiot.

I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.

Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.

#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting

ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out

DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips

ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T

ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking

Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?

Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded

Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man

him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?

her: no thanks

me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho

Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.

My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going

Torturer: just tell me what I need know

Me: NEVER

Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*

Me: OKAY I’ll talk

My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”

*weather drops 2 degrees*

me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.

*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*

Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.

I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.

Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house