What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
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On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Is this you?
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
This checks out
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.