What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
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*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.