What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
You Might Also Like
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.