What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
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Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved