Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?

me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.

Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly

Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*

I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.

“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”

I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.

Me: My body is a temple

Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?

Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus

“What’s wrong with you?”

Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?

*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*

“Oh no! My research!!”

Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam

Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”

15: “ya”

Me: “What colour’d you use?”

15: “I used orange.”

Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”

– mac n cheese has it’s own language.

I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.

Don’t worry, guys. Together we can eliminate logic and reason on social media. I see some of you are already ahead of the game. Way to go

[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car

I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.

This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.

When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station

The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.

Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.

[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?

New menu item

Male response to “How’s it going” severity scale

Pretty good – Not good

Can’t complain – Rough couple of weeks

It’s going – Alcohol and cigarettes are keeping him going

Just another day in paradise – Hates his job, wife and life

Things couldn’t be better – Going to park on the train tracks

[ My unaired House hunters episode ]

Realtor: So what’s your budget?

Me: My budget?

Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?

Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.

You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body

“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”

– Kids

A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened

Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.

Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:

1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab

marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.

You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong