Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position

Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke

I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf

Worst feelings:

1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help

I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.

#ChefDay #RubbishJokes

Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.

Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.

Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *reads a book* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *starts to sing*

D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*

Me: Man, I should have started with that.

Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.

Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.

Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?

Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.

A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.

I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.

My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good

I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.

you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool

Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work

I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.

Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: *takes deep breath*

“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now

[on a plane]

Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”

Me: “Sure, can I have two?”

*puts one in each ear*

i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?

Me: I don’t think it’s an act.

A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.

That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.

#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …

I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.

Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.