Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”

Me: “When can I start?”

“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”

Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.

me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby

them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby

me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster

“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers

[in hell]

ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad

SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—

ME: ugh

SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows

ME: UGH

Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really

I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.

I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back

“Shelley’s coming over.”

“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”

*gets hit in the face with poop*

Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?

Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’

Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.

Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior

[first time hearing bag pipes]

ME: What a pleasant experience.

[1 minute later]

ME: This can stop.

Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair

Me: I’ve hit rock bottom

The Rock: Harder

I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.

First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.

I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.

Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.

there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee

My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”

Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.

My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance

What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman

Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.

(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*

(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*

I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.

I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.

Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*