Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at checkout counter]

Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no

when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”

*being born

my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT

Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn

Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?

I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.

Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.

When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.

My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.

She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.

ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.

therapist : are you ever worried that-

me: Yes

History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud

ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed

COLLEAGUE: It’s not working

ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working

Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”

I was on a search party in the forest last night.

Bit of a boring party.

We found a dead guy though.

My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”

Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”

stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.

[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]

“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”

Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”

Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today

Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.

I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…

Like a playa

why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner

Hot Fuzz; Sea mine

I’m an engineer and each morning when I load up my cargo pockets with my tools I pretend I’m holstering my weapons before going to get revenge for the murder of my wife, I don’t even have a wife

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???

If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.

– Things I have to say to my mom