What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
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*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
My dad teaching me to drive
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home