What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
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uh oh
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:beast:
beauty:
beast:
beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
The legends were true
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Cashier: “Have a great day!”
Me: “No thank you.”
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.