Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: I’m addicted to morphing

Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?

Son: No Dad,not Morphine

Dad: what?

Son: *turns into bat

If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.

honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah

coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.

me: God?

coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.

me: (nods) Cheesus.

The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person

Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.

It was thirty seconds til daybreak

I waited patiently

And then it dawned on me

8: I wish you could homeschool me

Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-

8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.

Me: Ah look, the bus.

“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie

I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time

[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.

Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!

may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning

It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face

My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.

I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics

Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down

I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy

WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG

ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale

WIFE: Oh thank God

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us

I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.

Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?

I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive

I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.

Boss: You’re fired

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those

Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.

Interviewer: what interests you about this job?

Me: the pay

Interviewer: can you be more specific?

Me: cash

If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.

Someone will come to argue with you.