What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
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The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
The sacred texts.
Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.