What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
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I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*
iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
