Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over

‘How many lights do you wanton?”

“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”

~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?

Him: no. not like that.

Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.

Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him

I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician

Me: *wakes up screaming*

Wife: What’s wrong?

Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again

Wife: Need some help?

Me: AHHH

There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.

lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥

Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.

Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.

Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.

I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”

My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy

I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.

Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet

I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur

Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵

From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵

Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!

Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.

Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.

I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.

[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]

The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.

I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it

*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date

WTF

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.

I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.

* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.