Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Go girl power!

We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.

gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic

Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’

[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.

I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.

My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.

What’s the opposite of irony?

Crinkly.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

problems i need

I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.

Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel

sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die

me: 27

sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…

me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?

The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven

My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants

My wife thought I was going to the gym because I left in sweatpants, with a sweat towel and a gallon of water.

I was going to the all you can eat Chinese buffet.

[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year

🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵

~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls

At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.

Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me

very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses

marvel comics have peaked

So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.

The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet

Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.

Wife: Who gets the raptors?

Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*

I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.

Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.

In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics

Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.

15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.

Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!

15: Uhhh…what?

Me: Never mind.

Birds shit on us because we tweet better.