Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…

me: hey watch out for the poison ivy

friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car

As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.

Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.

Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.

this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks

I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.

10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.

12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.

2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.

4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.

6am: If I FML

Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶

Optometrist: “You need glasses.”

WHY?!

co-worker: hey-

me: what is it I’m very busy

co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv

[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]

I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’

I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”

Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end

I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.

People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.

During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.

*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*

Him: *Drives away*

Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”

I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.

totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure

Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.

I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.

“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.

I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.

i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.

[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here

Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice

When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.

“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.

Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.

new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much