Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Made my day..

I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs

I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!

[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip

I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.

*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*

i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops

Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.

<first date>

Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*

Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*

“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.

I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.

scenes of unspeakable carnage

I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.

Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks

Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches

[A field]

*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*

[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too

[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews

I wish I could veto my bills.

[blind date]

HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*

ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am

selfie game

“How can I improve my cooking skills?”

Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone

Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]

Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses

Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago

Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?

Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…

*seductively winces due to lower back pain

There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.

Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?

Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date

Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime

Day 1 of healthy eating

So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already

Day 2 of healthy eating

I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery

a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”

And now we wait

A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.