Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection

Me: the light was green

Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad

BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?

Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.

15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.

I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.

Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?

Me: Sorry I was busy

W: Doing what?

*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*

Me: Uh..

Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.

Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.

#HatDadJoke

Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.

I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy

My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.

Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die

I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.

WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes

*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*

Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly

Landscaper: sounds like bullshit

Farmer: yes exactly

Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.

Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.

COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–

GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs

Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?

[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]

Me: lol buddy…

Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away

Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!

You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

my kid: hold my cheerios

my kid: *drops cheerios*

*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*

Twitter remains undefeated

Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.

Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.

Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.

‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.

Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.

*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*

My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.