What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
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“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
“That’s what” – She
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
do u think theres a butter planet?
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head