What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
You Might Also Like
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
one of
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him