What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
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Sorry I’m late. My catapult malfunctioned.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Would you wear it?
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
He’s cranky this morning
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now